why

she is happy
i leave for 12 minutes to help my friend
i come back
she is mad
she snaps at me
i ask her whats wrong
she says nothing
i say are you sure
she says yeah
i bet you 2 weeks from now i will get a
"YOU NEVER CARE! YOU NEVER ASK WHATS WRONG"
and then
the breaking of the heart will start...
again

why

she is happy
i leave for 12 minutes to help my friend
i come back
she is mad
she snaps at me
i ask her whats wrong
she says nothing
i say are you sure
she says yeah
i bet you 2 weeks from now i will get a
"YOU NEVER CARE! YOU NEVER ASK WHATS WRONG"
and then
the breaking of the heart will start...
again

sigh

i fucked up...

sigh

thats all i ever do

my whole if is just a huge mess

all i ever do is just mess everything up

thats all i know how to do lately

i just keep messing up and messing up

why do people still love me?

i have no effing clue.

i wish i just didnt live anymore

just rip my heart out.

it hurts to much

today

sigh

i have a really long meeting.

i got some sleep.

now i am of to a workshop.

life is always go go go.

i just and to slow down and enjoy once in a while

oh well.

life goes one(:

btw!!

CONGRATS MY BFF FOR COMPLETING YOUR PAPER(:

i know you could do it:P

...great

sigh... today.
sooooo much drama.
sigh.
i know my girlfriend is trying. but... sigh idk. i am probably just being an asshole.

you know... it just feel like i have been doing all the work

i finally... i finally told her how i felt...
i told it to her... and in the process... i hurt her
sigh
i made her cry. i hurt her. i feel like a jerk...
but she had to know...i couldn't just keep sitting here and watching her walk down some path of no return

sigh. i have no clue anymore. i know i love her... but sigh
life is just so complicated right now.
life... life is just... a hole... and you fill it up with what ever you want.

and i just...its getting so hard for me to breath.its like... everywhere i look...something just want to hurt me... some thing always wants to just tear me down. you have no clue how hard i have been trying to keep it all together. family. friends. relationships. sigh.

i know i shouldn't have said some of the things i did... but you know what?... if it helps. then fine.
she needed to get the message and i hope she did.

i know she is hurting. i know she is in pain. but everyone else is to. and you know what? we are all still trying. we are all still working our butts off to try to make everything alright. and if just one person, just one, doesn't try... then it will never work.

life in its self is a challenge. and we have to step up and do our part.
yeah.
life is full of crap. but you know what? deal. tough. sorry but you still have to get up and work.
sitting there wont do anything. ignoring the problem will definitely do nothing. so you know what?

get your lazy butt off the ground and run your self down the road of life and never stop. . . one you do stop. . . then its over. you can slow down and enjoy life... but never stop. stopping is for quitters. and quitters never make it in life.

i know i sound mean. i know i sound like a complete jerk. but you know what?
you had to know. you have to open your eyes and look in the mirror.
you had to relize that you are not only hurting yourself... you are hurting me... you are hurting everyone
you dont have to talk to me. you dont have to tell me everything.
i just want you to know
you cant just be a wuss and just sit there and expect everyone to do the job for you.


i am sorry... but THATS LIFE.

...

all i can say...
my best friend cried today.
i did nothing
why did she cry?
her best friend hurt her...
her best friend... is my girlfriend... sigh

hmmm

well(: i got to talk to my bestfriend today hehe(: i missed talking to her
a lot of tears... a lot of pain... but it was nice to catch up...

sigh my girlfrind had a bad day today...
i wish i was there to hold her and tell her it is going to be okay... sigh.
she hates my brother. why? because he broke up with sam. sigh.
why... why the drama?... isnt my life horrible enough?

life is so short... and hate... and anger... and just being mad...
life is way to short for that.
life... life is a gift... and it can be taken away at any moment.

hold the ones you love close.
let anger and hate pass you by.
smile and keep your head up.
stop and smell the flowers.
be kind to everything and everyone.

life is so short and regret is something that no one should feel...
one should never regret. (:

drama

sigh.
to night... not so good... some kids got in a fight. my bros and i had to stop it -_-"
now we are just cleaning up.
i had a long day.... to long to even remember. sigh. soooo much drama
i am only a guy.
i can only take so much.
and right now... i am past my breaking point... yet i am still standing...
sigh...
well until tomorrow.
nite

life...

my life... sigh my life is so much more complicated then people think it is.
my family. we all hate each other. i try to keep everything together but it all seems to just fall apart. one of my brothers is just an idiot and my other brother is getting better.

sigh you see... i got together with this girl. and she is the one i love... i love her with all my heart and with all my life. i would die for her. i would do anything for her. . . i would leave everything behind just to be with her... but life isnt that easy now is it.

sigh you see... my family already has enough problems... but i dont know it seems like ever since i started going out with my girlfriend... its like all my brothers and her do it fight... they hate each other... and i know they agreed to calm down and try to get along... but one of them always gets pissed and then its just a snow ball effect.

my life... is so complicated. everyday its like i have to fight just to survive... i have to put a smile on in front of the ones i love... i havent talked to my best friend in so long about my feelings...

why? because my best friend is a girl... who is also my girlfriends "bestfriend" ... sigh her (my bff) and i have drifted apart... i know she is hurting... i know she doesnt like it... but... it seems like i cant do anything... her and i are both in deep holes and we are crying... and one day we will drown in your tears...

sigh. this is just the beginning... today... i really messed up... i hurt my girlfriend and i got mad at my family... i am so messed up its not even funny... i just... sometimes i just want to escape you know?

but there is no escaping life... only cowards take the easy way out...
i used to cut... i used to drink... i used to be a monster...
but then... she came into my life... she brought me salvation... she was my light at the end of a tunnel...
i promised my self that i would stop ... i would become better for her... i would be her one and only...

when it started... it felt so good... my heart... i couldnt even begin to describe it...

welcome to my life

well. my name is nicholaus.
i am living life and just trying to hang on.
i am starting this blog because i am so tired of just holding it all in. i needed to let all my suffering out in someway. so i decided to do it like this. rather people read it or not.