i want YOUR beautiful soul :)

I don't want another pretty face

I don't want just anyone to hold

I don't want my love to go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

You're the one I wanna chase

You're the one I wanna hold

I wont let another minute go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special

To you I'd be always faithful

I want to be what you always needed

Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

I don't want another pretty face

I don't want just anyone to hold

I don't want my love to go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

You're the one I wanna chase

You're the one I wanna hold

I wont let another minute go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

Your beautiful soul, yeah

You might need time to think it over

But im just fine moving forward

I'll ease your mind

If you give me the chance

I will never make you cry c`mon lets try

I don't want another pretty face

I don't want just anyone to hold

I don't want my love to go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

You're the one I wanna chase

You're the one I wanna hold

I wont let another minute go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

Am I crazy for wanting you

Baby do you think you could want me too

I don't wanna waste your time

Do you see things the way I do

I just wanna know if you feel it too

There is nothing left to hide

I don't want another pretty face

I don't want just anyone to hold

I don't want my love to go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

You're the one I wanna chase

You're the one I wanna hold

I wont let another minute go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

You beautiful soul, yeah

just because we are crazy :)

Welcome To The Family :)

Us Crazy Friends

Yea.... Don't Ask

Dani MAH SISTA!

Robin Being Robin -_-"

Emma and Kate when they were younger :)

yea... we are just crazy

Dealth and Jaden :D

Me and David when we were kids

Dani Now :)

Dani and Robin

Dani and Lucas

Dani and Joy

The Gang :)

Don't bother to ask :P

failure

in case none of you have noticed
i am a failure
i can't do anything right
all i do is hurt people
i just make them feel like crap
i can't cheer anyone up.
i dont do shit

all i do is be a sucky friend
i am a fucked up boyfriend
i am an asshole of a friend
i am a dick to everyone
i cant even make my girlfriend smile anymore

how fucking messed up am i huh
im sorry i cant do shit
im sorry if i ever hurt you
im sorry for being a shitty friend
im sorry i suck at life

im trying
yet things just get worse
i am trying so hard to make you happy
but nothing i do works
im just a

F A I L U R E

loss for word

don't start this again... please just... dont
this is ridiculous.
i am not in the mood for this drama.
i am trying so hard to understand you
we promised to be more honest and open to each other
i am only one guy
i cant understand everything

you hate my family
i get it
but can't you just tolerate them?
so what he gets mad everyday?
he is just one person.

but then again...
im just one person.
but i love you
and all i want is to make you happy
im try i swear i am
but i have run out of things to say.
i am so lost
i just...
i dont get it

you are mad and upset
i get that
but when i ask why
you just put yourself down
i am trying hard to make you happy and help you
but i cant
i never can
i can't make you smile anymore
i cant do anything right for you
and
i hate myself for it

i just..
im at a loss for words

imma FUCKING kill you (:

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl i love and i'm like,
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough i'm like,
Fuck you!
And fuck her too!
I said, if i was richer, i'd still be with ya
Ha, now ain't that some shit?
(ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo

Yeah i'm sorry, i can't afford a ferrari,
But that don't mean i can't get you there.
I guess he's an xbox and i'm more atari,
But the way you play your game ain't fair.

I picture the fool that falls in love with you
(oh shit she's a gold digger)
Well
(just thought you should know nigga)
Ooooooh
I've got some news for you
Yeah go run and tell your little boyfriend

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl i love and i'm like,
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough i'm like,
Fuck you!
And fuck her too!
I said, if i was richer, i'd still be with ya
Ha, now ain't that some shit?
(ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo

Now i know, that i had to borrow,
Beg and steal and lie and cheat.
Trying to keep ya, trying to please ya.
'Cause being in love with you ass ain't cheap.

I picture the fool that falls in love with you
(oh shit she's a gold digger)
Well
(just thought you should know nigga)
Ooooooh
I've got some news for you
i really hate yo ass right now

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl i love and i'm like,
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough i'm like,
Fuck you!
And fuck her too!
I said, if i was richer, i'd still be with ya
Ha, now ain't that some shit?
(ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo

Now baby, baby, baby, why d'you wanna wanna hurt me so bad?

(so bad, so bad, so bad)
I tried to tell my mamma but she told me
"this is one for your dad"
(your dad, your dad, your dad)
Uh! Whhhy? Uh! Whhhy? Uh!
Whhhy lady? Oh! I love you oh!
I still love you. Oooh!

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl i love and i'm like,
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough i'm like,
Fuck you!
And fuck her too!
I said, if i was richer, i'd still be with ya
Ha, now ain't that some shit?
(ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo

sickening

its sickening to see people fight over nothing
its sickening to think that something beautiful died for no cause
its sickening to see a family fall apart
its sickening to see a life wasted.

It’s what people do without thinking that causes quick tears. Eventually, the tears will be forgotten but the hurt will stay in the heart forever.

everyday

everyday
....
everyday all i wish for is to see you.
to hold you...that's all i want.
it hurts to much to know i cant.
i can't do anything.
i have to sit here and just wish
wish upon a star...
wish for a wish that will never happen.
and it hurts.

it hurts so much

uhhhh....ummmm... yea

in the words of my dear friend

"god forbid anyone get you upset because when they do you are just a little ball of hell (:"

yea.... i don't know
i just thought it was funny at the moment
so i decided to share
because your mother taught you that
sharing is care
and to care about someone
you have to be able to
one. have an open heart and mind
two. be able to forgive no matter what
three. be able to give things up to make them happy
and
four. accept them for everything they are and aren't :)

This Just Says It All

family

the ones i love
the ones who matter
the ones who will always care
the ones that i will always need
one look at them and all i see
is the love of my life
what was ment to be
i missed them so much
but i miss you more
but i guess you already shut the door
if not one heart
then one hand
let us have this friendship
lets re-begin
some say no
some say sure
some say they just want me happy
happy?
content is all i can muster
lately apethetic
is all i can amount to
depression behind me
like footprints in sand
sunset before me
day about to end
sun rise, i await
to see the clouds in the sky
birds sing a new song
breath in the air
but let me not walk this path alone
let me have this friendship
just this one
in circles i'll walk
if our hands aren't one

today...

today's the day i finally live

the day i take a breath anew

take that painful step away

and step out of the blue

heartbeats falter

and hands still shake

but lessons learned

none the less

it hurt you know

i died you see

but with each step

comes clarity

family awaits

children smiling

brother and sisters with weary grins

awaiting the next chapter

i have turned the page

and pick a pen

i now write

not knowing how to end

i love you once

and i love you twice

but enough is enough

today's the day i step away

you know?

you know that sick feeling you get
when you love some one but they dont love you in return?
that feeling like you hate them so much... but you love them so much more?
that feeling that just makes you break down and just want to die?
you know... how you love someone so much it hurts?
that feeling you get when you realize how much you love that one person... but can never have them?
that pain in your heart when you realize that it will never work out?
.....
do you know the feeling of hanging on when there is nothing left?
that feeling of just watching that person walk away?
.....
that feeling of just... sitting alone. in the dark.
that feeling of being alone...
when it gets hard to breath.
when it gets hard to live.
when it just hurts so much you rather be dead?
...
when you see them walk away.
when you see them love another.
when you see them not care anymore....
when you cant see them anymore...
and feeling where it all falls apart.
when life is at its lowest and you just want to disappear...
well guess what.
im going to disappear... forever.
maybe that feeling will go away...

you know?

mmmm... you're a whore :D

so.
moment i leave
"LETS ALL STRIP :D"
so all my hard work of making you a better person...
just disappeared...
thanks for WASTING my time....
i can tell that you really really loveD me...
but love doesnt end.
its either you still love them or you never did
and sadly..
i still love you.
and sometimes.....
i hate myself for it.
FML



-
love sick.

well...

its been a while since i have been on. i am sorry :/
a lot has happened as you can tell....
umm lets see
what have i done since the break up.
i went out and bought a motorcycle (ninja)
im very excited.
you are probably asking "why did your buy a motorcycle nick?"
well you see,
i just thought that so many things reminded me about her... i needed something new.
i needed a change.
so(:
motorcycle it is :D
i've been working a lot lately. very busy.
my little bro jason is depressed. and my little sister hope is in denial but its okay.
i am trying my best to help them through everything.
hmmm
nothing much happened and there is nothing really to talk to.
oh! i watched inception, salt and despicable me :D
i have to say. inception was amazing.
salt was okay.
and despicable me was cute(:
yes
to all the macho men out there
i said cute.
get over it -_-"


hmm
well until next time.
-
Recovering.

....

... its over...

it was just out of no where...

we were perfectly fine... then she just ended it.....

it hurts so much... there is no purpose in life anymore...

i cant feel anything... im going numb... i ran out of tears....

it hurt... it hurt so much more then anyone can imagine.

I DONT CARE

FUCK YOU
FUCK THIS
FUCK EVERYTHING
i am tired of this shit
i am tired of all of this.

but whatever you know. cause its my job to make you happy. and i have done EVERYTHING to make you happy. for once. can i be happy? just for one. little. tiny. moment. can i have a turn at being happy?

try harder

everyone needs to try harder.
but if you dont try at all
then shut the fucking hell up.
because instead of yelling and being mad at other for "not trying" look in the mirror.

-
pissed

plans ruined?

see i knew my girlfriend really really wanted to see this movie. so i ordered the tickets and i was going to take her out to see it on out anniversary. the day BEFORE our anniversary she goes to see it with her sister....

guess what i did today? i didnt spend time with my girlfriend. i sat at home bored instead of go to work.
i ripped up those tickets and told myself that im an idiot.

and now i am pissed as fuck.
great day.

What can you do with a girl like that?
Taking everything giving nothing back
Stuck between her legs when she sets her trap
What can you do with a girl like that?

She's knows what she's doing
Standing there with her headphones in
Skinny jeans and a tattoo
Her smile makes me wonder where she's been

I would make a move if I thought there was a chance she'd let me in

What can you do with a girl like that?
Taking everything giving nothing back
Stuck between her legs when she sets her trap
What can you do with a girl like that?

I can't wait for the weekend
Downtown where we all sneak in
Everybody's trying to get some
She takes a drink and then she laughs at them
I can't coast gotta move slow (??)
Watching her as she works the room
Does she see me? Does she know I
Wear my confidence like a costume?

I would make a move if I thought there was a chance she'd let me in

What can you do with a girl like that?
Taking everything giving nothing back
Stuck between her legs when she sets her trap
What can you do with a girl like that?

It's like a curse that's she's put on me
Sweaty hands, shaking knees
Tell her that I want her to move too fast.
That's what you do with a girl like that.

A girl like that.
A girl like that.

I think it could be me she's looking at
And that's a smile I see
So now I know that I can make a move
'cause I think there's a chance she'll let me in.

What can you do with a girl like that?
Taking everything giving nothing back
Stuck between her legs when she sets her trap
What can you do with a girl like that?

It's like a curse that's she's put on me
Sweaty hands, shaking knees
Tell her that I want her to move too fast.
That's what you do with a girl like that.
That's what you do with a girl like that.

A girl like that.
A girl like that

i wish someone would end this

i want someone to stab me

please.

this is ridiculous.

you two are even friends.

so what are you still fighting.

leave each other alone!

sigh. FUCK. MY. LIFE.

Home for the weekend,
Looking for a good time;
Of all the numbers you end up calling mine.
Ready or not , I think I’ll give this a shot.
I should know better than to
Give her what she wants.
I picked her up and she was three-forths gone.
She passed out before we even got to talk.
All I want to know is:

Where were you when I needed you most?
Why did you leave me alone?
We gave up before we gave it a chance,
And I don’t understand.

Back to where we left off, baby.
“How you been and what’s been new with you lately?”
Just forget it, it’s the same old runaround.
You build me up just to let me down.
Down!

Where were you when I needed you most?
Why did you leave me alone?
We gave up before we gave it a chance,
And I don’t understand.

Just forget it, it’s the same old runaround,
Just forget it, just forget it

pain

you say you hate causing me pain.
i say you dont cause pain.

you dont cause pain.
but you can help to stop the pain.
stop the drama.
the pain will leave

until then.
my heart is breaking

why

she is happy
i leave for 12 minutes to help my friend
i come back
she is mad
she snaps at me
i ask her whats wrong
she says nothing
i say are you sure
she says yeah
i bet you 2 weeks from now i will get a
"YOU NEVER CARE! YOU NEVER ASK WHATS WRONG"
and then
the breaking of the heart will start...
again

why

she is happy
i leave for 12 minutes to help my friend
i come back
she is mad
she snaps at me
i ask her whats wrong
she says nothing
i say are you sure
she says yeah
i bet you 2 weeks from now i will get a
"YOU NEVER CARE! YOU NEVER ASK WHATS WRONG"
and then
the breaking of the heart will start...
again

sigh

i fucked up...

sigh

thats all i ever do

my whole if is just a huge mess

all i ever do is just mess everything up

thats all i know how to do lately

i just keep messing up and messing up

why do people still love me?

i have no effing clue.

i wish i just didnt live anymore

just rip my heart out.

it hurts to much

today

sigh

i have a really long meeting.

i got some sleep.

now i am of to a workshop.

life is always go go go.

i just and to slow down and enjoy once in a while

oh well.

life goes one(:

btw!!

CONGRATS MY BFF FOR COMPLETING YOUR PAPER(:

i know you could do it:P

...great

sigh... today.
sooooo much drama.
sigh.
i know my girlfriend is trying. but... sigh idk. i am probably just being an asshole.

you know... it just feel like i have been doing all the work

i finally... i finally told her how i felt...
i told it to her... and in the process... i hurt her
sigh
i made her cry. i hurt her. i feel like a jerk...
but she had to know...i couldn't just keep sitting here and watching her walk down some path of no return

sigh. i have no clue anymore. i know i love her... but sigh
life is just so complicated right now.
life... life is just... a hole... and you fill it up with what ever you want.

and i just...its getting so hard for me to breath.its like... everywhere i look...something just want to hurt me... some thing always wants to just tear me down. you have no clue how hard i have been trying to keep it all together. family. friends. relationships. sigh.

i know i shouldn't have said some of the things i did... but you know what?... if it helps. then fine.
she needed to get the message and i hope she did.

i know she is hurting. i know she is in pain. but everyone else is to. and you know what? we are all still trying. we are all still working our butts off to try to make everything alright. and if just one person, just one, doesn't try... then it will never work.

life in its self is a challenge. and we have to step up and do our part.
yeah.
life is full of crap. but you know what? deal. tough. sorry but you still have to get up and work.
sitting there wont do anything. ignoring the problem will definitely do nothing. so you know what?

get your lazy butt off the ground and run your self down the road of life and never stop. . . one you do stop. . . then its over. you can slow down and enjoy life... but never stop. stopping is for quitters. and quitters never make it in life.

i know i sound mean. i know i sound like a complete jerk. but you know what?
you had to know. you have to open your eyes and look in the mirror.
you had to relize that you are not only hurting yourself... you are hurting me... you are hurting everyone
you dont have to talk to me. you dont have to tell me everything.
i just want you to know
you cant just be a wuss and just sit there and expect everyone to do the job for you.


i am sorry... but THATS LIFE.

...

all i can say...
my best friend cried today.
i did nothing
why did she cry?
her best friend hurt her...
her best friend... is my girlfriend... sigh

hmmm

well(: i got to talk to my bestfriend today hehe(: i missed talking to her
a lot of tears... a lot of pain... but it was nice to catch up...

sigh my girlfrind had a bad day today...
i wish i was there to hold her and tell her it is going to be okay... sigh.
she hates my brother. why? because he broke up with sam. sigh.
why... why the drama?... isnt my life horrible enough?

life is so short... and hate... and anger... and just being mad...
life is way to short for that.
life... life is a gift... and it can be taken away at any moment.

hold the ones you love close.
let anger and hate pass you by.
smile and keep your head up.
stop and smell the flowers.
be kind to everything and everyone.

life is so short and regret is something that no one should feel...
one should never regret. (:

drama

sigh.
to night... not so good... some kids got in a fight. my bros and i had to stop it -_-"
now we are just cleaning up.
i had a long day.... to long to even remember. sigh. soooo much drama
i am only a guy.
i can only take so much.
and right now... i am past my breaking point... yet i am still standing...
sigh...
well until tomorrow.
nite

life...

my life... sigh my life is so much more complicated then people think it is.
my family. we all hate each other. i try to keep everything together but it all seems to just fall apart. one of my brothers is just an idiot and my other brother is getting better.

sigh you see... i got together with this girl. and she is the one i love... i love her with all my heart and with all my life. i would die for her. i would do anything for her. . . i would leave everything behind just to be with her... but life isnt that easy now is it.

sigh you see... my family already has enough problems... but i dont know it seems like ever since i started going out with my girlfriend... its like all my brothers and her do it fight... they hate each other... and i know they agreed to calm down and try to get along... but one of them always gets pissed and then its just a snow ball effect.

my life... is so complicated. everyday its like i have to fight just to survive... i have to put a smile on in front of the ones i love... i havent talked to my best friend in so long about my feelings...

why? because my best friend is a girl... who is also my girlfriends "bestfriend" ... sigh her (my bff) and i have drifted apart... i know she is hurting... i know she doesnt like it... but... it seems like i cant do anything... her and i are both in deep holes and we are crying... and one day we will drown in your tears...

sigh. this is just the beginning... today... i really messed up... i hurt my girlfriend and i got mad at my family... i am so messed up its not even funny... i just... sometimes i just want to escape you know?

but there is no escaping life... only cowards take the easy way out...
i used to cut... i used to drink... i used to be a monster...
but then... she came into my life... she brought me salvation... she was my light at the end of a tunnel...
i promised my self that i would stop ... i would become better for her... i would be her one and only...

when it started... it felt so good... my heart... i couldnt even begin to describe it...

welcome to my life

well. my name is nicholaus.
i am living life and just trying to hang on.
i am starting this blog because i am so tired of just holding it all in. i needed to let all my suffering out in someway. so i decided to do it like this. rather people read it or not.